September 23, 2007

September 20, 2007

Fort Myers Beach

On one of logophile’s recent posts, I commented that “I love the beach... They’re usually next to a beach town, which I love even more.” Fort Myers Beach is the kind of Florida beach town I was talking about… underdeveloped, underwhelming, lovable.

Washed up on Estero Island, one of several barrier islands along the Florida west coast, it is flanked to the south by upscale Naples, and to the north by the expensive beach-cottage fantasy land of Sanibel/Captiva islands. It has neighborhood bars instead of bistros. Shops, not boutiques. Parasail rides. McDonald’s. Ice cream stands. A Turkey Testicle Festival.

It’s a dozen or so miles from here, and a favorite getaway. And safe, for the nonce, now that the housing crunch has mercifully rained on development fever.

September 18, 2007


“Son of a bitch!” said Dana, scanning the computer on her desk in the 
newsroom. Her desk was piled with folders, books, magazines, papers, stacked 
two feet high in places. Here and there, papers appeared to be trying to 
squeeze out of a stack and crawl away. Dana was the executive editor of the 
Naples Tribune. Buxom, stylish, pushy. Her dismissiveness had a knack for 
making you feel hugged.

“This is all feature stuff,” she said, scrolling her mouse, her eyes a few inches
from the computer screen. She refused to wear glasses. “I can’t run with this. I 
have no local news.”

“I’m working on the council meeting,” said Bill, a city desk reporter, a black
Irish drinking man, from Brooklyn. We shared stories, landmarks and
milestones, but unfraternally, the way ex New Yorkers do.

“Where’s Ashley’s story on citrus blight?” Dana demanded, unimpressed.

“She’s probably boffing the Department of Agriculture rep in the back of a
pickup truck right now,” said Bill.

Three televisions, bolted to the walls, were on. One was tuned to CNN, one
showed a live shot of the City’s empty council chamber. The other, back in the
corner, was tuned to sports. The news channel was slightly audible, the volume
turned low. “Seventy six percent fear that violence may strike someone in their
household,” a voice said, over video of a truck exploding in Baghdad. Phones 

Dana plucked the red plastic stir stick out of her coffee and threw it in a
wastebasket. She glanced at the clock. “Has she called in? Anybody?”

“She called and asked me to Mapquest Palmetto Avenue,” said Barbara,
blinking over her bifocals. “That was an hour ago. AP was down again, Dana,
this morning, for almost two hours. How are we supposed to function?”

I was standing at my desk, half listening, flipping through my assignments,
marginally elated by the routine editorial crisis. “Jesus, Dana” I said, staring at
the words Doggie Wash, Perkins Park. “Isn’t there anything happening this
weekend that doesn’t involve pets or watercolors?”

“The mayor called me a whore,” Dana said. The newsroom seemed to pause.
Bill looked up from his keyboard, smiling.

“And…?” said Bill sardonically.

“It’s on my voice mail. He seems to take issue with my support for the CRA’s
proposed traffic calming techniques downtown. As if I had a financial interest 
in any of those boutiques and bamboo pushers. I just want to walk to lunch and
not get run over by an Escalade. Does that make me a whore?”

“It’s what everybody wants,” said Bill, who went back to his keyboard.
“Kramer’s a jerk.”

“Many people have too much credit card debt,” said the television. “Don’t let
the word ‘bankruptcy’ enter your thoughts.”

The remains, a few slices, of chocolate cake from somebody’s recent birthday
sat on a pile on a desk. I put a slice on a paper plate. At least the sports
assignment looked promising. College baseball. The annual intercollegiate 
Copley tournament at Baskin Field, the quaint old stadium in Fort Myers.

Tom Harper, the sports editor, who had a desk near the photo desk, was
reading the Wall Street Journal.

“What do you need?” I asked.

“A color and two black and white,” he said.

“Do we know who’s playing?”

“They’re playing all day Saturday and all day Sunday. Pick one.”


Tom gave me his dubious look.

I packed up a bag, an SLR, batteries, a couple zooms, extra chips, and headed
out, with the cake folded up in the paper plate. This was when Dana usually
chose to get clingy, disguised as an assignment review. She stopped me at the

“Joe,” she said, staring at the screen, a statement, as if she had just noticed my
existence in the computer. I turned and offered my attention.

“What have you got?” she said, scrolling and selecting and highlighting. Her
inattention was reassuring. It meant that there were no real issues.

“Parks,” I said. “The Jacaranda fire. Dogs. Art. Weekend. Whatever.”

“Gas prices. Get something on gas prices. Dennis is doing a story for Monday.”

“Pumps? People in pickups, SUVs, feeding their Escalades and Hummers?”

“That sort of thing.”

“Imploding stock indexes. The collapse of civilization as we know it.

“That’s the general idea.”

“The Doggie Wash at Perkins Park.”

“Irony, Joe. It’s what we do.”

The post-rush hour Friday evening traffic outside had shifted to leisure mode. A
vodka on the rocks awaited me at Ziggy’s. And maybe a fun-loving, sincere, no-
drama, down-to-earth looker who likes long walks on the beach and Bobby
Short. And hair that curls around the back of his ear, and a nice phallic vein, and
who can find his way home. It’s what I do.

September 14, 2007


Paul's french fry post jogged my memory. When it slowed to a saunter I recalled this...

I went to a fast food counter (I forget which one) a while back and asked for a chicken sandwich. After typing in the order, the girl called back over her shoulder "Gimme a chicken sandwich - and pluck it!" Then she turned back to me and smiled. "Anything else?" she said. A little taken aback, but game, I said, "Just a medium coke, and the chicken sandwich... plucked." The smile left her face. She stared at me expressionless, as if she had just noticed a fingernail clipping hanging from my nostril. (I didn't; I checked.) WTF?

September 12, 2007

September 9, 2007

September 7, 2007

September 1, 2007

Natural History

                   A speckled bug,
                   starling iridescent sheen,
                   indigo, pulsates abdominally
                   in the leaf’s
                   unconscious shade.

                   In tiny scrabbly fits
                   it probes subatomic localities;
                   sips ether,
                   tasting molecules.

                  Toward my impending eye,
                  an admiring Volkswagen,
                  it pauses and casts a lacquered glance.
                  It’s binary appraisal
                  libels love,
                  and it deftly darts away,
                  returning the world to exile.